Image for post
Image for post
src: Patrick Sweeney via WikiMedia Commons
  1. We’re going to this church, kids, because their priest has an average sermon time of four minutes.

2. Quick, what’s our excuse for forgetting the charity Christmas gift?

3. My lord, that family is wearing enough layers to open a Goodwill.

4. Does every male over the age of forty sprout a Brooks Brothers vest when it gets cold?

5. Babe, that peacoat makes me wanna do crazy things to you.

6. Having that extra bottle of Merlot was a great idea, honey— all midnight masses should be pregamed.

7. God’s son was born in a mule’s bedroom, and our kid wants a PS5? …

The best things are left unsaid. Unless they’re whispered.

Image for post
Image for post
source: @yutacar via Unsplash
  1. “See that shingling? Divorce-money house.”
  2. “I’ll need you to point out work friends and work enemies.”
  3. “That babysitter we got wasn’t too hot, was she?”
  4. “I put the casserole in a bag because Cathy never returns the dish, now please don’t make this a bigger deal than it already is.”
  5. “We’re supposed to just leave our coats on the couch? Like a brothel?”
  6. “Remember: three mentions of our kid for every mention of theirs.”
  7. “Hey, sorry, was touring their garage. Don’t freak out, but I just bought a power grease gun and it’s VERY expensive.”
  8. “Their curtains passed the smell test. …

Image for post
Image for post

Hi everyone,

Each business cycle I ask myself the same question: “how can we operate our company exactly like last year — disappointing as little people as we impressed?”

Fortunately, we have neither exceeded nor fell short of this goal as we get halfway through 2019.

To depict how similar things are, attached to this email is a graph showing our earnings this year compared to last. The purple horizontal line you see is actually a red and blue line from these two years stacked on top of each other.

When our interns showed me this graph, I can’t tell you how expressionless I was. I felt as much zip and peppiness as a slice of seedless white bread left on a lukewarm counter. …

Felix could down catnip like it was goddamn water, and we loved her for that.

Image for post
Image for post
Source: will30 via Pixabay

Hello, all! Thanks for joining the family group chat. This is the one without grandpa, so you’re safe to have opinions here.

This chat was created so we could finally have a definitive ranking for the family pets — past and present. As we witnessed at our last get-together, this is a very touchy subject that is best brought up when we’re away from each other and any sharp kitchen utensils.

Remember, this is based on the average of the rankings that you all provided me, so there’s no reason for you to be upset and threaten emancipation (Bobby, I’m typing at you). …

The final list, finally.

Image for post
Image for post
src: Gage Skidmore (via Wikimedia Commons)

Hello, America. This is Joe Biden’s intern. I earned $13/hour to record his cabinet picks, which he justified with the few sentences I highlighted below. Neither he nor anyone else on his team could figure out Medium, so I volunteered to record his ramblings while he paced up and down this hotel hallway in a Delaware Hyatt. After several hours, this is what he told me were his selections, in his own words.

Please enjoy. I assure you these are all accurate.

Secretary of Agriculture: Orville Redenbaucher



Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store