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Dan Toomey
Dan Toomey

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Published in

Slackjaw

·Oct 17, 2022

Requirements To Join Our Totally Legal Pickleball League

Follow these steps or else. — Pickleball is taking the U.S. by storm, and it’s no wonder! It’s a fun, active way to meet new people. That being said, our league is a bit selective, so here are some requirements to join PicklePals Washington DC. First: bring your own paddles. …

Humor

3 min read

Requirements to Join Our Totally Legal Pickleball League
Requirements to Join Our Totally Legal Pickleball League
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Jul 21, 2022

This Article Was Co-Written By AI. Can You Tell?

The rise of sentient authors — Artificial intelligence is improving each day. Engineers across the world created smart robots to understand complex human function and, now, language. For example, this article was co-authored by an AI software named WILLIAM-6, a bot our researchers at IBM developed to understand and utilize the English language1101000 agGhH1010 0111 SEt…

Satire

3 min read

This Article Was Co-Written By AI. Can You Tell?
This Article Was Co-Written By AI. Can You Tell?
Satire

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Apr 7, 2022

How We Will Market Your 5-Star Middle School Athlete

How to profit from name, image, likeness…and age. — Parents? Take a seat. First, we need you to understand what a gift you have with Jacob. Second, we need you to sign your name on that confidentiality agreement right there. Okay, sick. College athletes can now profit off their name, image and likeness, and we have to get ahead…

Humor

3 min read

How We Will Market Your 5-Star Middle School Athlete
How We Will Market Your 5-Star Middle School Athlete
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Mar 9, 2022

Need To Spice Up Your Sex Life? Try Wordle!

Using the latest viral sensation — but not that kind — Look, we’re all human — one moment we’re having the best sex of our lives and in the next, sex feels like a chore where you sometimes gotta be naked. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Each week in this column I help couples navigate the struggles of…

Humor

3 min read

Need To Spice Up Your Sex Life? Try Wordle!
Need To Spice Up Your Sex Life? Try Wordle!
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Jan 25, 2021

20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Youth Soccer Games

The other coach has an accent. We’re fucked. — There are, like, twelve red teams here. Is this a Sherwin Williams? Ok, I just Googled some soccer rules we can complain about. Is my hangover showing under this Dad cap? Remember: a missed shot is just a pass to a teammate who should have been there. Why does the…

Soccer

2 min read

20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Youth Soccer Games
20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Youth Soccer Games
Soccer

2 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Dec 21, 2020

20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Christmas Mass

We’re going to this church, kids, because their priest has an average sermon time of four minutes. 2. Quick, what’s our excuse for forgetting the charity Christmas gift? 3. My lord, that family is wearing enough layers to open a Goodwill. 4. Does every male over the age of forty…

Satire

2 min read

20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Christmas Mass
20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At Christmas Mass
Satire

2 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Nov 27, 2020

20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At A Cocktail Party

The best things are left unsaid. Unless they’re whispered. — “See that shingling? Divorce-money house.” “I’ll need you to point out work friends and work enemies.” “That babysitter we got wasn’t too hot, was she?” “I put the casserole in a bag because Cathy never returns the dish, now please don’t make this a bigger deal than it already is.” …

Humor

2 min read

20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At A Cocktail Party
20 Things My Suburban Parents Whispered At A Cocktail Party
Humor

2 min read


Nov 10, 2020

A letter from your boss during these precedented times.

Hi everyone, Each business cycle I ask myself the same question: “how can we operate our company exactly like last year — disappointing as little people as we impressed?” Fortunately, we have neither exceeded nor fell short of this goal as we get halfway through 2019. To depict how similar…

Satire

3 min read

A letter from your boss during these precedented times.
A letter from your boss during these precedented times.
Satire

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Nov 5, 2020

Ranking The Family Pets

Felix could down catnip like it was goddamn water, and we loved her for that. — Hello, all! Thanks for joining the family group chat. This is the one without grandpa, so you’re safe to have opinions here. This chat was created so we could finally have a definitive ranking for the family pets — past and present. As we witnessed at our last get-together, this…

Humor

4 min read

Ranking The Family Pets
Ranking The Family Pets
Humor

4 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Sep 8, 2020

Joe Biden’s Cabinet Picks, In His Own Words

The final list, finally. — Hello, America. This is Joe Biden’s intern. I earned $13/hour to record his cabinet picks, which he justified with the few sentences I highlighted below. Neither he nor anyone else on his team could figure out Medium, so I volunteered to record his ramblings while he paced up and down…

Humor

5 min read

Joe Biden’s Cabinet Picks, In His Own Words
Joe Biden’s Cabinet Picks, In His Own Words
Humor

5 min read

Dan Toomey

Dan Toomey

163 Followers

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

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