The other coach has an accent. We’re fucked. — There are, like, twelve red teams here. Is this a Sherwin Williams? Ok, I just Googled some soccer rules we can complain about. Is my hangover showing under this Dad cap? Remember: a missed shot is just a pass to a teammate who should have been there. Why does the…

We’re going to this church, kids, because their priest has an average sermon time of four minutes. 2. Quick, what’s our excuse for forgetting the charity Christmas gift? 3. My lord, that family is wearing enough layers to open a Goodwill. 4. Does every male over the age of forty…

The best things are left unsaid. Unless they’re whispered. — “See that shingling? Divorce-money house.” “I’ll need you to point out work friends and work enemies.” “That babysitter we got wasn’t too hot, was she?” “I put the casserole in a bag because Cathy never returns the dish, now please don’t make this a bigger deal than it already is.” …

Hi everyone, Each business cycle I ask myself the same question: “how can we operate our company exactly like last year — disappointing as little people as we impressed?” Fortunately, we have neither exceeded nor fell short of this goal as we get halfway through 2019. To depict how similar…

Felix could down catnip like it was goddamn water, and we loved her for that. — Hello, all! Thanks for joining the family group chat. This is the one without grandpa, so you’re safe to have opinions here. This chat was created so we could finally have a definitive ranking for the family pets — past and present. As we witnessed at our last get-together, this…

The final list, finally. — Hello, America. This is Joe Biden’s intern. I earned $13/hour to record his cabinet picks, which he justified with the few sentences I highlighted below. Neither he nor anyone else on his team could figure out Medium, so I volunteered to record his ramblings while he paced up and down…