Each business cycle I ask myself the same question: “how can we operate our company exactly like last year — disappointing as little people as we impressed?”
Fortunately, we have neither exceeded nor fell short of this goal as we get halfway through 2019.
To depict how similar things are, attached to this email is a graph showing our earnings this year compared to last. The purple horizontal line you see is actually a red and blue line from these two years stacked on top of each other.
When our interns showed me this graph, I can’t tell you how expressionless I was. I felt as much zip and peppiness as a slice of seedless white bread left on a lukewarm counter.
I’m also happy to report that not a single employee left our business. We also haven’t hired anyone either. No one got married or changed names, and not a single person got a tan all summer. Now that I think of it, everyone has the same haircut, too. Which is lovely.
Looking ahead, we will continue to navigate these calm and charted waters like an elementary school sailing lesson.
You should expect no changes whatsoever to how we do business. Your feedback from supervisors will just be last year’s report, all new slang words will be banned and we don’t plan on updating a single piece of technology.
I would also like to give a BIG congratulations to Cheryl and Wendy who, looking at last year’s maternity leave schedules, should be giving birth again in a few months.
Along with our successes, we also expect the same exact issues. In keeping with precedent, as your boss I am determined to repeat these issues precisely.
For example, I promise not to replace the broken coffee maker, no matter how much it makes light roast taste like “venom.”
Emily’s crazy ex-boyfriend should be breaking onto our property again during Valentine’s Day and urinating on her office window.
And remember the loose monkey in the ventilator? You can expect that again. I know everyone’s first thought when that happened last year was “wow, a chimp escaping from the zoo, stealing a car, driving through the office gates and finding its way into our air vents for 120 minutes of pure havoc?! Surely that was a nonce event!”
At any other time, this would be reasonable. But we live in precedent. So prep for some monkey feces coming your way at 3:14 p.m., Nov. 15.
While we can absolutely foresee these problems returning, some complaints were brought up during Carl’s second 44th birthday party:
“Can we at least change parking spots?”
“Why do we still use MacIntosh II’s?”
“If we recreate the fire, will the entire Accounts Payable staff have to get skin grafts again?”
While appreciating your concern, I would like to note that I received exactly 15 complaints of a similar nature last year from the same people. According to my tally, I will need four more to reach my goal. So, Clyde, Wendy, Owen and Pierce? I sent you the dates you will have to complain to me. Memorize the scripts attached to this message.
I also hope people will stop ripping down the 2018 calendars our thankless interns put up each night, no matter how much you want your weekends to line up with your spouses’, friends’, or rest of society.
As your CEO, I work tirelessly to make sure you know exactly what to expect each year from our company: fairness, decency, and continued pay raises for your executive board.
It’s a privilege of mine to uphold these values at our company, just as my father and his father and his father did before me.
We run this place like clockwork, and you have my personal guarantee that the rest of 2019 and beyond will be identical.
Thank you as always — please stay healthy and safe since I won’t refill the soap in the bathrooms.
Your Boss IV